Too personal

Maybe enough, just another
painted mark
black and blue and... so close
a little
deeper.
spread the skin.
spread the guilt
spread the pain beneath.
unfurling in a blossom of helpless, regretful hate
grey and choking, leaving the trail of
decay in its wake
enough, enough.
it's never enough
my own hand, helpless in this
my own hands, bound
under the facade of personal strength
is it truly, finding another way
to relieve the disgust that boils
wishing my soul would stop
bleeding all over everything
remembering, remembering
that it isn't perfect
remembering the crimes
how could i forget?
my hands will be stained red
with blood
you never
should have let me spill
and i would forever
paint those perfect fingers
in my own
to avoid those words, those cold eyes
to take back the memories
that wake me still
ugly words and broken glass
feeling used and frightened
shattered
i know how it feels
not in your place, not in your place
because you did
nothing
wrong.
but it hurts inside
and the wall was built so high
i am afraid i will never have
strength to scale it again
and see your heart unprotected
see your heart mine
because all the while
mine was yours, letting you hold it,
tear it, bruise it
because it is precisely the pain
i still deserve
feigning wishful thinking
watching black windows
hidden pathways under dry autumn leaves
turning cold, december
wishing perhaps
it was march.
before.
wondering.
am i suitable, am i suitable
for such a good man
a strong man.
so many...
i am just one, lonely
broken. wanting only
a home.
with him.
no one else would take me in.
the storm i bring- it's too great.
wishing i had it all under control.
wishing in this dark cold i was not
alone.
right now.
to remember
all the pain i caused.
remembering happiness instead.
that smile
laughter.
the two of us
the future, so frightening
that i rush and try to build
something perfect for you
and end up
ruining things again with half-thought words and
fear.
all i want is to be safe. please.
make this not hurt anymore.
but you can't.
not yet.
it's you i injured most.
and there's nothing i could go through
to equal that, not now, not yet.
walking through it, fixing...
afraid.
so afraid.
like a child.
remembering.
please make them stop, i wish i could
ask you,
wish i could say.
please tell them to leave me be, please
hold me close and tell me
i won't get hurt again.
kiss me good night.
and keep the monsters out.
of my skin
my own head.
no more scars.
i want to look you in the eyes
and make love to you slow.
but i'm afraid.
i'm afraid you can't look at me.
i'm afraid i am not
worthy.
to look at you.
all your love.
so beautiful it burns.
i wish i was more deserving.
and i
could not forget you, could not stop loving you
no matter how i tried.
wanting so badly to build a home with you
and so unsure, so frightened.
too much in the past.
i wish you could wipe the slate clean.
i wish... i could do the same.